To get inspired, or to be inspired? That's the question, and the difference.

Inspiration has never been hard to come by for me, really. It sounds stupid, but of my earliest memories, one of the most memorable for me was this time I was on my mom's lap, maybe 2 or 3 years old back in our Lord Street era. I had mumbled some gibberish words and wondered if I had said something in a foreign language, Chinese on my brain I believe. How foolish, yea, that a child mumbles something and thinks it could really be valid. Or, would it be foolish to be a child that couldn't imagine the possibility of speaking Chinese?

This was in the late 80's. Culture and an "outside world" was through movies and cable television. I loved all things karate, but particularly the Ninja Turtles (second blog mention to date). In 1991 our new home became my step dad's house and I was blessed with an encyclopedia set he had on hand, along with a wildlife single volume encyclopedia. The wildlife publication was full of various size animal images, and I know I skimmed it front to back many times thinking it should be longer, there were more animals. Notice I say skim, because my anxiety has been with me as long as I can remember and it makes for an impatient reader in me. As far as the encyclopedia set, I would scour through various volumes for the illustrations. I wish I would have read more, I even remember noting to myself then, but it was the pictures that took me to new places quickly, particularly this one picture of a train, my favorite. Even though I didn't know what I was looking for, I felt like there was something more.

I've spoken to my dad once on the phone since I got his information. I've called more than that, actually, but it's back to land line style with him, so the timing seems to be off. In our one conversation it was essentially him asking me life questions, and me holding myself together long enough to recite my answers in short, forced bursts, taking a break, and then readying myself for the next sentence. This only lasted for so long before he asks, "Do you have a cold?" I said "no" and I broke. I'm sobbing like they always said a man isn't suppose to and I'm explaining that this